Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Restless Legs Syndrome.

Have you ever seen an ad for some bullshit medical problem on TV and been like 'I have that'?

Well, I have.

It's called Restless Legs Syndrome and it affects those who thirst and hunger for something more out of their lives. Of course, the doctors want you to think that medicine can cure it, but doctors just want to make money off of some drug that is only good for getting you addicted to something new. Yeah, like I fucking need that.

This is what Wikipedia has to say on the subject:

"Any type of inactivity involving sitting or lying—reading a book, a plane ride, watching TV or a movie, taking a nap—can trigger the sensations and urge to move. This depends on several factors: the severity of the person’s RLS, the degree of restfulness, the duration of the inactivity, etc."

It sounds like somebody just needs some goddamn exercise. Never mind the fact that we live in a society that stresses the hell out of us every single day of our godforsaken lives. Aghh, it drives me crazy!!!

I need a stiff drink and someone to punch in the mouth. Oh, and if you "actually" have that and are offended by this, you can fuck right off because I have no goddamn sympathy for anyone who is coaxed in to believing this crap. Where is Denis Leary when you really need him?

~Michael Fucking Carlos  

Monday, January 19, 2009

1.20.09 - The Beginning is the End is the Beginning...

Well, the day is finally here. Bush has left office. In his place stands a man with a whole helluva lot of work to do and a microscopic environment in which to go about his business. Can Obama do it?

As a college student, I felt a strong emotional rush come over me on November 4th. It was unlike anything I've ever experienced in my life. This man stood in front of the entire world on that night and accepted its challenge to save it. It was very hard to avoid feeling a sense of pride on that day--to know that in some small way I was a part of this.


Two things of importance happened over the last 24 hours. Irish rock band U2 premiered their new single, "Get On Your Boots." As an avid fan of the group, I eagerly awaited its arrival by listening online to Rte Radio 2fm in Ireland, which played the song on the air at 3:10 AM Eastern Standard Time. A jolt of joy ran through my bloodstream as I repeatedly listened to the hypnotic rhythms and wonderfully unfamiliar melodies of the sixth track off of the band's forthcoming album, No Line on the Horizon. With the naivete of hopeful youth, I gaze out my window at the peaceful calm of the Charles River, and I see with my eyes and feel in my heart no line on the horizon.

The second thing that happened was the fact that when I awoke this morning, I did not have any classes in observance of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. What a magnificent day that we all too often take for granted as just another Monday without any school. Well not today. I went about my business as usual: reading for class tomorrow, having lunch with my sister, dinner with good friends, but something was different. Something intangible was following me all day. It was like I was walking with a ghost.

Now nothing of any particular significance happened to me today, but I was overcome by pride and felt joyful at my very existence on this planet. In my excitement over the new single, I listened to almost every song in U2's canon. When I got to "Pride (In the Name of Love)," tears welled up in my eyes. The opening guitar riff that is absolutely timeless and heroic coupled with the most perfect lyrics.

One man come in the name of love
One man come and go
One man come here to justify
One man to overthrow

In the name of love
What more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love

One man caught on a barbed wire fence
One man he resist
One man washed up on an empty beach
One man betrayed with a kiss

In the name of love
What more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love

Early morning, April four
Shot rings out in the Memphis sky
Free at last, they took your life
They could not take your pride

What else is there to say?

Sunday, January 18, 2009

MEN, LISTEN UP: PMS Symptoms On The Rise

Now that the FDA has warned consumers to avoid peanut butter indefinitely, we are all at risk to be attacked by something much more deadly than salmonella: Women on their periods. 

Of course, most men know to steer clear of the fairer (psh, right) sex during that time of the month. However, my research indicates that the only reason women are able to show any type of emotional restraint whatsoever during these intervals is the combination of chocolate with peanut butter.

No Reese's Peanut butter cups mean that she will be chewing you out instead.

But don't fear, comrades, I have come up with a few handy tips on how to handle the women in your life.

1. Do not, under any circumstances, initiate conversation with any woman regarding her mother, bitchy friend, co-workers, or any women whom she perceives to be prettier than her.

2. Actually listen to her when she's in  a complaining mood (which will be always). I know this will be hard, but you might have to turn off the TV.

3. Do not make eye contact with any woman whom you do not already know. Chances are that she will take it the wrong way and subsequently kick your ass.

THE GOLDEN RULE: If all else fails, eat a whole jar of chunky style Skippy, get salmonella poisoning and take solace in the sweet release of death.
Until next time,

~The man without a plan

Monday, January 5, 2009

2009 - I Wanna Sink to the Bottom with You

2008 is over. 
Thank God.

Time to make some New Year's Resolutions.

I resolve to:

1. Host a '50s theme cocktail party and outdrink everyone else there. Then 
I'll cheat on my subservient, suburban housewife with a hot, young secretary from my firm, where I sell the lie of the American dream. Then I'll drive home. The Real American Dream.

2. At the very least, play one show with The Clap!, an amazing musical group that I helped found. C'mon everybody, get the Clap!

3. Win a staring contest with an 8-year-old.

I'm just gonna let the awesomeness of that one settle in.

4. Build my credit....card debt.

5. Steal your girlfriend.

6. Kick your ass.

7. Wake up from my delusions of grandeur.

8. Improve my wardrobe to an acceptable adult level.

9. Finally write my first groundbreaking novel.

10. Travel the countr--nay, the world!

11. Stay afloat in the failing economy, or sink to the bottom with the one I love--that's right, YOU, my loyal reader.

Try to keep your heads above the swell, ladies and gentlemen. It's going to be a long swim. 

In 2009, the Chinese year of the Ox, let's hope we can be as stubborn as an ox,  as sly as a fox, as brave as a lion, and as lucky as a leprechaun, or else we're fucked. 

See you in Hell,